Nintendo announced a bunch of new playable characters and sure, they’re cool… Kinda… But here’s who we REALLY want to see in the next game…
Keen eyed gamers will have noticed toad in previous Smash Bros. titles as a weapon in Princess Peach’s arsenal. Well, no more! Long have the Mushroom people been ruled over by their human overlords but finally, it’s Toad’s time to shine. He can use his adorable presence to distract other players and while they’re all debating “Is that a hat or just his head?” he can kick some serious shins.
B Move = Wah wah!: Toad runs around, flailing his tiny arms, screaming ‘Wah Wah’ in an adorable manner. Everyone gets distracted and presumably wanders off a ledge.
Up + B Move = Head Bounce: Toad gains altitude by jumping on his own bouncy head. How do physics allow this, you ask? Just go with it, man.
Forward + B move = Cannibal Power-Up: Toad eats some of himself and grows in size, increasing his strength. Unfortunately he then spends the rest of the match crying and throwing up.
Down + B move = Fungal Infection: Toad hides in Princess Peach’s dress and she can’t remove him until she’s booked an appointment with Dr Mario.
Smash Attack: Mario Party!: Toad turns the entire stage into a board game and the rest of the match is just a round of Mario party. The catch? Everyone is Boo. Prepare to end friendships.
If there’s one fan group more obsessive than Nintendo fans, it’s Kingdom Hearts fans. Announcing Sora as a playable character would no doubt bring riots of spiky haired, key wielding fan boys. Hell, it would almost be worth it just to see Tumblr explode, once and for all. Sora fits that middle ground between ‘cute’ and ‘edgy’ which is perfect for a Smash Bros. character. I know it will never happen but I can still dream about beating Kirby around the pink, marshmallow head with a keyblade.
B Move = Riku!: Sora calls out the name of his best friend, doing +10 ranged damage and +50 emo angst damage. It’s super effective.
Up + B Move = Trinity Jump: Fans of Kingdom Hearts will remember this move, where Donald Duck and Goofy help Sora leap into the air. Copyright might be problematic here though, so Donald and Goofy can just wear Mario and Luigi masks. Problem solved.
Forward + B move = Unlock Attack!: It’s a key but instead of unlocking a door, it unlocks your death! Sora shoots a bolt of keyblade energy at other players, opening up a gaping hole in their chest then some gummi blocks fall out. Sound weird? Well, it was weird in Kingdom Hearts too.
Down + B move = Summon Character: Summon a random Disney character to kick some arse. I’m thinking the characters could be Genie, Simba or Emma Thompsons character from Saving Mr Banks.
Smash Attack = Buyout: Disney Executives swarm the screen and buy out all the other character franchises for several billion dollars. Totally OP.
3. Skull Kid
Sure Gannondorf’s already in the game but Skull Kid is clearly the greatest Zelda villain of all time. Seeing him skip around the screen or float menacingly in the air would be a dream come true… A nightmarish and terrifying dream from which we can never wake, but a dream come true nonetheless. He’d make a nimble but powerful fighter (panflute not included)
B Move = Head Shake: Any Majora fan knows when Skull Kid shakes his mask and you hear that creepy rattling noise, shit’s gonna get real. This attack has a random effect, sometimes turning you into a Deku, a Zora, or a Goron. There’s also a rare chance of the attack backfiring, by turning your enemies into the Happy Mask Salesman. Your character is then petrified/weirded out for the rest of the match.
Up + B Move = Ocarina Steal: With this attack, Skull Kid steals your ocarina and then just dances in front of you for a while. Don’t have an Ocarina? Then he punches you in the balls. Nobody wins.
Forward + B move = Fairy Punch: With this attack, Skull Kid punches your fairy and then just dances in front of you for a while. Don’t have a fairy? Then he punches you in the balls. Nobody wins…. Again.
Down + B move = Dawn of the First Day: Resets any damage an enemy player has dealt to you. Also make everyone have to do that f***ing Kafei side mission again.
Smash Attack = Full Moon: Skull Kid brings the scary ass moon from Majora’s Mask crashing down into the level, killing everyone. Not that anyone notices, since they’re all so terrified by the moon’s face. Those eyes… Eugh *shudders*
How can you have Sonic but not Tails? Sure, he’s often left behind in many Sonic adventures but clearly he’s the brains behind the operation so now it’s time for Miles ‘Tails’ Prower to take the spotlight. Oh, you didn’t know that was his full name? Don’t worry… No one does. Not even Sonic. Ouch.
B Move = Ring Toss: Everytime Tails damages another enemy, rings fly out of them. He then collects those rings and throws them back at enemies as projectile weapons. It’s a deadly, golden cycle of pain.
Up + B Move =Tail Spin: The Up+B moves are traditionally flying or jump moves and this guy’s a flying fox. You figure it out.
Forward + B move =(Almost) Super Sonic Speed: Tails dashes forwards at (almost) Super Sonic speed! Woaaaaaaah! It’s not as fast as Sonic, you say? Well… Um… LOOK, HE HAS TWO TAILS! That’s cool, right?
Down + B move = Hyper Spin: Tails tucks into a ball and rolls at super speeds. What’s that? Sonic already does that? Well… LOOK HE CAN FLY.
Smash Attack = Tornado Attack: Tails summons his totally awesome blue biplane ‘Tornado’ to fly around and hurt enemies. What’s that? Why does a flying Fox need a plane? Well… I thought… *RUNS AWAY*
I’ve wanted Banjo and his feathered companion Kazooie in a Smash Bros. games ever since Super Smash Bros. Melee. Their wide range of attacks and abilities would lend themselves perfectly to the Smash Bros combat and really, it would be worth it just to unlock a Banjo soundboard. Yes, I know they’re now technically owned by Microsoft but I’m sure theres some legal loophole where we can claim ‘Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts ‘N’ Bolts’ was franchise criminal negligence.
B Move = Egg Splat: Kazooie shoots out eggs of all types at break neck speeds. Painful for enemies but much more painful for Kazooie.
Up + B Move = Impossible Flight: Kazooie takes to the sky, carrying Banjo with her… Somehow defying all the laws of gravity. I mean, seriously… Banjo is, like, a fairly large bear… And Kazooie is a petite bird. How does that work? Furthermore, why does he keep her in a backpack?!? Isn’t that messed up?…. (We might be here for a while).
Forward + B move = Gibberish Gut Punch: Banjo greets his enemies with a friendly burst of loveable gibberish. While people are distracted, he head butts you in the stomach. +50 damage if you listened to all of Brentildas clues earlier in the game.
Down + B move = Heekum Hokum: Mumbo Jumbo turns you into a variety of animals/objects to varying effects. Kick arse as a crocodile or do some SERIOUS laundry as a washing machine.
Smash Attack = Banjo Jam Sesh: Everyone pulls out musical instruments and just plays the theme from Banjo-Kazooie. It does no damage but hey, everyone has a great time so who cares?