So with the Australian Federal Election nearly upon us, time now to focus on an altogether different election, what we at Big Head Mode are dubbing the ‘2013 Video Game Election’. When looking at the current choices for Australian Government, you’d be forgiven for thinking all candidates are somewhat… lacking. Sure, you might like a policy here or there, but how many of them have saved Hyrule or stopped an alien invasion? So if you want to see what some REAL candidates might look like, cast a glance below at Big Head Mode’s choices for the top office… You know, if fictional video game characters were eligible.
There’s virtually no one in the world of gaming who doesn’t know Master Chief. He’s saved the planet time and time again and would obviously be an ideal choice for Prime Minister. A man of few words (which would make his press conferences very brief), Chief would be all about taking action. Despite his controversial ‘tea bagging’ policy, Chief would be able to work very closely with his deputy leader Cortana at devising key strategies to complex problems and then punching those problems in the face. However, a potential flaw would be his inability to ‘play well’ with others.
Pros: Will always ‘finish the fight’. Cons: Never takes off helmet, potential identity fraud threat.
No one could dispute the phenomenal leadership abilities of Commander Shepard. Shepard comes with loads of ready make 3 word slogans like “Take Back Earth”, “Stop the Reapers” and “Jacob, Go Away”. Shepard is the leader for everyone of all backgrounds, whether human or Batarian, Shepard won’t back down when it comes to bringing opposing sides together. Whether through inspiring, forceful diplomacy or a swift pistol whip to the face, Shepard always gets results. Despite Shepard’s association unsavoury characters like Zaeed and space racist Ashley Williams, Shepard has shown time and time again that he or she has what it takes to save the universe/destroy all synthetics/talk to weird spooky robot child (or whatever the hell actually happened)
Pros: Gets results, diverse, adaptable.
Cons: Can’t dance and not very media friendly.
Capt. Olimar has a proven love of the environment… Time and time again we’ve seen him revel and delight in the beautiful ecosystem of a foreign land… Sure he may pluck it dry of all the fruits but he will go to any and every length possible to protect the lives of the flora/fauna cross species of Pikmin. However, it’s also his willingness to frequently use the environment and creatures to his own, personal gain that makes him the perfect candidate for government office.
Pros: Great leadership skills and multitasking.
Cons: Only productive during the day.
Steve is no stranger to the many resources that keep the land going and the hard work that it takes to keep things flowing. Sure, he’s hit bedrock bottom but he keeps bouncing back. He knows that gold and diamond booms don’t last forever and the threat of creepers are always looming. Admittedly, some might find his pro mining and deforestation alarming but he is a strong advocate that you can’t build a floating, golden castle in the sky without leveling a few forests.
Pros: Could turn any materials into well constructed policies.
Cons: Vulnerable to ‘creepers’ which in politics would make it hard for him to work with almost anyone.
Sam Fisher – Defence Minister
Sam Fisher is a man who can get things done. Forget stopping the boats, Sam Fisher will stop several tactical nuclear strikes without you even knowing he was there… He’d definitely be more hands on than a traditional defence minister but that’s what comes from being granted ‘Fifth Freedom’ status. It may get the government in hot diplomatic water when a member of their cabinet is constantly handing out his own justice without permission from foreign countries but as Fisher would say, the best defence minister is a good offence minister.
Pros: Master of stealth so can easily avoid any members of the Chaser.
Cons: Too many skeletons in the closet, since that seems to be where he hides all the bodies.
No one understands the internet quite like Aiden Pearce. Why introduce an internet filter when Pearce can personally monitor each and every citizens internet history? He’d weed out the bad eggs with his own unique unique brand of vigilante action and he doesn’t ask the taxpayers for a single dollar… because he can take it directly from their bank accounts! Sure his libertarian views but clash with the idea of being a part of a Government but what better way to bring down a regime than from the inside?
Pros: Can see everything.
Cons: Can see EVERYTHING.
Navi, the friendly, approachable fairy would be perfect for the role of education minister for a number of reasons… She’s used to working with children (or at least, weird, child shaped forest people), she always speaks slowly and clearly and she seems to know everything about, well, EVERYTHING. A potential downside is starting every press conference, interview and question time with ‘HEY LISTEN’ could get on people’s nerves but on the plus time, getting on peoples nerves would make her perfect for politics.
Pros: Very loyalty, will never lead the Prime Minister’s side.
Cons: Talks mainly in on screen text which is hard for those who can’t read.
What a rags to riches story it would be for the the beloved, portly Italian Plumber; Starting out as a simple Tradie and ascending to the high office of treasurer. Mario is an ideal candidate for Treasurer simply for his amazing ability to find coins in literally everything. Punch a brick? Coins. Jump on turtle? Weird but still, coins. Unfortunately people may frown on his bizarre treatment of the local wildlife and his addiction to mushrooms but he’s proven himself to be much more reliable for Treasury than that Sonic guy, who drops all his money at the slightest bump or scrape.
Pros: Very friendly and approachable.
Cons: Spends way too much time attending parties, tennis matches, golf matches, car races etc.
Few people are as well traveled as Ezio Auditore. Despite being born into a noble family, Ezio is still a man of the people with proven popularity with both the poor and the wealthy alike. He’s proven his diplomacy when dealing with foreign royalty from Italy to Constantinople, unless the person in question is a Templar in which case he violently murdered them… Awkward. But a foreign minister has to be tough sometimes and know when not to be bullied by other countries. Ezio could come down hard on one nation and then seductively woo and serenade others with his renaissance charm.
Pros: Ability to fast travel would make getting around to other countries really easy.
Cons: Ability to blend into crowds would make press conferences and doorstops really difficult.
Editors Note: Not to get political but just a friendly reminder for everyone to vote this Saturday, 7th September. It doesn’t matter whether you vote Renegade or Paragon, you can’t stop the reapers if you don’t vote!